Measuring yourself against everyone else doesn’t make you better — it just makes you disappear.

Comparison is the thief of joy – or so we’re told. But it feels like comparison is so natural and prominent – sometimes even encouraged.

In workplaces, in schools, even your mum telling you what Kathy from down-the-road’s daughter is doing. We grow up looking at other people, measuring ourselves against them. No wonder we get to the point where we look everywhere else but in the mirror.

Comparison can act as a guiding light sometimes, it can show us if we’re on the right track, give us inspiration – but it very quickly can spiral into negativity.

I’ve spent a lot of my life comparing myself to others. Feeling less than, more than, even on the same level. Measuring my worth based on how I showed up compared to the people around me. Oh, well, she has better eyebrows, but my cheekbones are more pronounced.

I just made that example up, but you get the point.

I feel you end up just losing all sense of yourself. I used to look in the mirror, and not even see myself, but a version of me that was relative to everyone else. It became a disease of the mind.

It’s painful. As there’s never a way to really measure up to another person, no matter how hard you try. If I were to compare myself to every person on the planet I would short circuit on insecurity and self-doubt. There’s no winning that game.

Someone will always be doing better, someone will always be prettier, have more money, be smarter. And that will kill us. And there will always be someone who is worse off than we are. And even though it shouldn’t, that gives us relief.

I feel in your 20s comparison is a lot more prominent. I talk about this in my latest podcast episode ‘Lost, Learning & Figuring Life Out – The Truth About Your 20s’ (available on my profile, hint hint).

In your 20s, everyone is doing something different. You can compare yourself against all your ex-classmates, your colleagues, whoever – in one sense or another, you will fall short. Maybe you just got a promotion, but someone else has just bought a house. Maybe you have started to settle down, but that person’s stories you obsessively watch on Instagram has just gone travelling for six months and all of a sudden, your cozy settled down life feels like a trap.

On the other hand, that person you hate has just lost their job so really, you’re doing fine. And feeling a bit smug.

It’s like we need this sense of comparison and hierarchy in a way in order to feel solidified and confident in where we are. Because really, there are no rules anymore. No guideline, no gold star at the end of the week and extra play time for good behaviour.

But what piece of mind do you get with that, constantly looking over your shoulder, looking sideways, anywhere but forward and on your own path. Other than temporary validation (depending on who you’re comparing yourself to), all it really does is distract you.

As deep down, we don’t want to admit that we’re all scared, and knowing that others are in the same boat as us is slightly less scary.

Are you in the same boat though, really? No one you compare yourself to will ever live the same life as you, so your comparisons are actually null and void. You will also never be happy with your achievements or any progress you make if someone else is doing better.

What an empty life that will turn out to be. As they say, the only person you need to compare yourself to, is the you from yesterday. Even then, be kind to yourself.

As the gender wars spike even further with the ‘male loneliness epidemic’ and the rise of red pill content, the rift between the men and the women of this generation feels almost irreparable.

When I first saw the article in Vogue, I focused less on the article itself, and more on the reactions to it. A lot of women felt validated in their decision not to date and in their single status, a lot of men were offended, and there was a good mix in the middle that just didn’t care.

Overall, the article seems to be adding fuel to an already growing fire online. But is this article just another form of ‘rage bait’ to attract attention and spark debate, or is there something deeper?

The article talks about the fear of getting the ‘evil eye’ from onlookers into relationships, a desire to maintain freedom, and a continued step away from the traditional happily-ever-after of marriage and family. There was also talk about a loss of ‘aura’ whilst in a relationship — I myself can relate to that one.

I think there’s no dispute that the dating world has become confused. More confused than it ever was (not that I was around to see it). I’m also not the first person to talk about it, nor will I be the last. So why is this? Why is dating so hard today? And will men and women ever find peace?

As we do move away from that stereotypical happily ever after, women are increasingly focusing on their own lives and ambitions, and the mask on the male gender starts to slip. As teenagers, a lot of us look at men with stars in our eyes, thinking they’ll be the solution to all our problems. Then we grow, and we start to see the socks left out on the floor, the dishes left in the sink, the emotional toll on our lives, and we start to think that maybe it’s actually a burden.

We’ve also grown seeing the stories of our parents, grandparents, maybe a parent’s friend — there’s always at least one relationship where you think, ‘Why are you still together?’

In movies, when the husbands were jokingly made fun of for not knowing how to cook or find their way around the store, I didn’t find that endearing. When a couple cheated and got back together — I didn’t think it was brave that they worked through their issues. With the exception of Mitch and Gail in Dawson’s Creek.

It was all just passed off as something to be expected. For women to hold the emotional burden of the relationship. To act, essentially, as a second mother. To put up with bad behaviour and let it go because of ‘love’ and expectation.

I’ve been the person in the relationship who has done everything for their partner, put myself on hold, cleaned, cooked, tried to be who they wanted so I’d be loved. What did I gain? A loss of identity and confusion over why the things I did weren’t enough.

Even in the relationships where I didn’t ‘over-give’ and I was loved, I still lost myself. Because although he wasn’t a bad person, I still carried the emotional weight of the relationship. I still found myself not receiving back the things I gave. And it’s not that he didn’t want to; he just didn’t even think about his actions or what he was giving me.

I felt that I just couldn’t grow in that relationship, there was nothing bad, it was just stagnant. There wasn’t room for me to really evolve. I felt myself putting my dreams and goals aside. Making myself smaller. As I’d seen so many other women do in my life. Why should that be the case?

It’s not that women don’t ever want love or partnership, but we shouldn’t just accept it in any form it comes.

Personally, I do want love. I do want partnership. But I want an adult that will support my dreams, my ambitions, inspire me, be able to function on his own, and have emotional intelligence.

As otherwise, what am I inviting into my life? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Love on its own is never enough. And if I’m going to pick someone to be with for life, they can’t be a factor in making things worse, or even just be okay, but instead influence me positively in some way.

So, do I think having a boyfriend is embarrassing? No. I think having a bad boyfriend is embarrassing, and always has been. I think the dating scene is embarrassing. With all of the ghosting, cheating, non-committalness. I respect myself more than that.

But also, I think we need to remember that online isn’t necessarily real life, and things are a lot less worse than they appear to be on the internet. And I think it’s possible to be independent, achieve your dreams, and also have love. You just need to be a bit more intentional with who you choose.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about how to introduce myself. Probably more than I need to. I am, after all, but one of many writers who gets to that point in their life and thinks ‘I should start a personal blog.’ Well, I guess that time in my life is now. 

There have been many times in my life that I’ve tried to start a personal blog – at 13, at 15, at 20, but each time I published my first piece, I’d take it down 30 minutes later and tried to scrub the internet of any record of my writing being out there. It’s funny how the fear, shame and embarrassment set in as soon as I did something marginally vulnerable.

I really thought I’d missed the boat on living out my Carrie Bradshaw dreams, but it turns out there’s no expiration date on pursuing your passions. (And I started to wonder…)

If I’m being honest, I can’t say for certain that every other time I tried I was showing up authentically and placing the focus on what I wanted to get out there, vs what I thought other people would want to read. So maybe this time will be different. I trust that the people who resonate with the things I say will find me. 

I guess it’s true that if you feel a calling for something early in life, it will just keep calling. 

Alas, we’re here now. I wish I could divulge more information as to what this personal blog will be about, but in truth, I don’t know myself. I guess we will discover as we go along, and assemble the many pieces of my brain into a coherent stream. 

I address this to the probable masses that will be reading this, and hope that the fame doesn’t get to my head too quickly. But of course, as a writer with an already inflated ego, I can’t be sure. 

Until next time,

Ramona x