Picture that ‘ideal’ version of yourself. The one you aspire to be. Do they actually feel like you, or like a stranger you’re trying to become?

We create perfect future selves as if we’re fixing perceived flaws. We imagine them as us 5 or 10 years on, but in reality, they’re more of an idol rather than part of our identity. Closer to a mask we put on than a veritable future. Finding things to change about ourselves is as easy as breathing, but there’s a limit to how much change is improvement, until it shades into erasure.

My own ‘perfect self’ wakes at 6am, works out, eats perfectly, looks flawless before 9am, and is calm, logical, polished. That version of me feels possible in theory, but as someone who has always been terrible with routines, struggles with her appetite, is known for being emotional rather than logical and is a little socially awkward, I wonder how much of that is self-improvement vs erasure.

Strangely, thinking about that version of me does bring me comfort. Whenever I mess up, I mentally retreat to my picture-perfect self, who would never make mistakes or say the wrong thing. It’s falsely comforting, and kind of addicting. It’s like micro-dopamine – I get to feel the illusion of becoming her without actually doing anything at all.

I used to think imagining her was motivating, but as I grow, my life looks less and less like hers. Not in a bad way, just less polished. I realise I didn’t account for real emotions that can dip and swell, real life circumstances that can catch you unaware, and traits I have that will always be instilled in me.

But we’re pushed to do this, taught to change whatever we can to get as close to perfection as possible. Every movie montage before and after, life-makeover content. We get sucked into people narrating reinventions of their lives over clips of lemon water and early alarms. Countless content on TikTok and YouTube showing you how to become ‘unrecognisable’ – just further selling the idea that you need to change who you are in order to be accepted. It’s like we’re praised for abandoning our current selves and calling it ambition.

However, when your aim is to become ‘unrecognisable’ you’re trying to escape a version of yourself you can’t outrun, and one that will always be one step behind you. You cross the line into avoidance of who you are, which only resurfaces later. We really end up just hiding us from ourselves, and we try to fix traits we would appreciate in someone else.

If I saw my emotional capacity in someone else, for example, I would think it was an admirable trait. So, why have I decided it was a flaw along the way? Without it, I would no longer be me. I can’t will myself into being logical rather than emotional, as then I’ll be denying a huge part of who I am. I can, however, accept that my emotions get the best of me sometimes, and give myself more time to make decisions when I’m feeling impulsive. True improvement works with who you are, not against it.

There’s more than one way to become the person you want to be. It does start by accepting who you are now. You can’t learn to love yourself while actively sprinting from your own reflection.

The next time you picture your ideal self in your head, ask yourself. Am I trying to improve myself, or replace myself?

I don’t think the real goal is to become that perfect me at all, but maybe to stop seeing her as someone so separate from me. To give her some of my ‘flaws’ so she’s less like a barbie-fied version of me, and more like someone I can be inspired by. Someone I can actually meet halfway.

Measuring yourself against everyone else doesn’t make you better — it just makes you disappear.

Comparison is the thief of joy – or so we’re told. But it feels like comparison is so natural and prominent – sometimes even encouraged.

In workplaces, in schools, even your mum telling you what Kathy from down-the-road’s daughter is doing. We grow up looking at other people, measuring ourselves against them. No wonder we get to the point where we look everywhere else but in the mirror.

Comparison can act as a guiding light sometimes, it can show us if we’re on the right track, give us inspiration – but it very quickly can spiral into negativity.

I’ve spent a lot of my life comparing myself to others. Feeling less than, more than, even on the same level. Measuring my worth based on how I showed up compared to the people around me. Oh, well, she has better eyebrows, but my cheekbones are more pronounced.

I just made that example up, but you get the point.

I feel you end up just losing all sense of yourself. I used to look in the mirror, and not even see myself, but a version of me that was relative to everyone else. It became a disease of the mind.

It’s painful. As there’s never a way to really measure up to another person, no matter how hard you try. If I were to compare myself to every person on the planet I would short circuit on insecurity and self-doubt. There’s no winning that game.

Someone will always be doing better, someone will always be prettier, have more money, be smarter. And that will kill us. And there will always be someone who is worse off than we are. And even though it shouldn’t, that gives us relief.

I feel in your 20s comparison is a lot more prominent. I talk about this in my latest podcast episode ‘Lost, Learning & Figuring Life Out – The Truth About Your 20s’ (available on my profile, hint hint).

In your 20s, everyone is doing something different. You can compare yourself against all your ex-classmates, your colleagues, whoever – in one sense or another, you will fall short. Maybe you just got a promotion, but someone else has just bought a house. Maybe you have started to settle down, but that person’s stories you obsessively watch on Instagram has just gone travelling for six months and all of a sudden, your cozy settled down life feels like a trap.

On the other hand, that person you hate has just lost their job so really, you’re doing fine. And feeling a bit smug.

It’s like we need this sense of comparison and hierarchy in a way in order to feel solidified and confident in where we are. Because really, there are no rules anymore. No guideline, no gold star at the end of the week and extra play time for good behaviour.

But what piece of mind do you get with that, constantly looking over your shoulder, looking sideways, anywhere but forward and on your own path. Other than temporary validation (depending on who you’re comparing yourself to), all it really does is distract you.

As deep down, we don’t want to admit that we’re all scared, and knowing that others are in the same boat as us is slightly less scary.

Are you in the same boat though, really? No one you compare yourself to will ever live the same life as you, so your comparisons are actually null and void. You will also never be happy with your achievements or any progress you make if someone else is doing better.

What an empty life that will turn out to be. As they say, the only person you need to compare yourself to, is the you from yesterday. Even then, be kind to yourself.